No.19 Two choices (colaboration from Yoshida )

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed.
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
What's wrong with you?" She asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied.
"And remember he said, I had two choices:
I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so?"
"I would have gotten out today."

No.18 Cleaness 09/25

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom.
The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded
to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to
no one in particular "At West Point, I learned to be clean and sanitary."

The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction. The second gent
zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much
less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job
nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he
severely announced to no one in particular, "At Annapolis, I learned to be
clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally
conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the
door, muttering to himself, "At the Air Force Academy, I learned not to piss
on my hands."

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?

A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the
house when they leave.

No.17 Microsoft 09/25

Bill Gates started going out with a whore who called herself
Divine. After they had sex for the first time together, Bill
said, "I see why you call yourself Divine."

She said, "I see why you call your company Microsoft."

No.16 Blondies 08/07

Q. Why was the Blonde so happy when she finished her puzzle
in six months?
A. It said on the box 2-4 years!

Q: Why don't they give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to say "I can do that."

Q: What do you call a blonde driving a car?
A: An air bag.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ears.

No.15 The priest 08/07

Some nuns ran an orphanage in rural area. One day, the Mother
Superior called in the teenage girls who were about to leave.
"You are going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn
you that men will take advantage of you. They will buy you
drinks and dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you,
and do terrible things to you. Then they will give you $20 or
$30 and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men
will take advantage of us and give us money?"

"Yes, Child, Why do you ask?" asked Mother Superior.

"Because the priests only give us ice cream."

No.14 Mothers 08/07

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation
naturally turned to their kids. "Well, Ruthie, how are the
kids?", asks Diane.

"To tell you the truth, my Tom has married a bitch! She
doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending
his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home,
exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO!
She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive
restaurant."

No.013 Fat Free 07/09

I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was
fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I
decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk
pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping
with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!"

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. "Dam."

No.012 The Puzzle 06/28

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying,
"Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen
and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says,

"For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

No.011 Double 06/26

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife.

One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said," Hello master.
I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish,
he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two.
This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion.
By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left.

I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"